Freedom from Verbal and Emotional Abuse

More Resources Now Up on Web Site!

2011-12-18T11:37:00.000-08:00

Now that it is officially winter break, there's time to do more updates to the web site www.freefromverbalabuse.net. Under the "Helpful Links" page, there are more websites listed that give pertinent information concerning legal issues, where to go when help is needed, and how to deal with all issues involving domestic violence in general.

For those who live in the Inland Northwest, I found some very specific information for Washington and Idaho that lists all the agencies that work with domestic violence cases. You can access all those contacts through the "Inland Northwest" page of the web site.

In addition, for those in Christian relationships, several articles, websites and even another book are listed on the "Christian Perspective" page. That information is available at the bottom of the left side-bar under "Internet Sites."

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! :)

".... But Words Will Never Hurt Me."

2011-12-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

My book, "...But Words Will Never Hurt Me" has been out since February of 2009. Many have asked why I wrote it. I find it fascinating that about the same time my book came out, many celebrities began to come forward with stories of domestic violence. We are only just beginning to understand what domestic violence (physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and spiritual abuse) does to people. So, to answer the question as to why I wrote the book; it's to educate people about verbal abuse through the eyes of someone who experienced it.

At the time I was in an abusive marriage, the "idea" of verbal abuse being a true form of abuse was coming to the forefront of domestic violence. We understand physical abuse because there is evidence. With verbal abuse, the "violence" is with words, not fists. Verbal abuse is a little more difficult to define.

In my search to find the truth, I discovered several books that helped me see what was happening in my marriage was destroying me. (Many are listed under "helpful links" on my web site.) I went to counselors, worked with my pastor, and spent countless hours searching the Internet for answers. Many of the books on verbal abuse are very good at identifying what verbal abuse is but I wanted more. I wanted to read stories of people who overcame the trauma that verbal and emotional abuse unleashes upon us.

Before I married, I somehow knew that I'd be writing a book about my marriage. My original thoughts were that it would be about the "work" it takes to make a marriage succeed. I kept excellent journal entries because I sensed that someday I'd be using them. Little did I know what would become of my marriage as I entered into what I thought would be the best part of my life.

Run the tape a few years ahead.... As my marriage began to unravel, I wanted answers as to what I was doing wrong. After all, my husband was so good at blaming me for everything that I began to believe him. During the year of our separation, I ran across my journals and began to write.... and write... and write. I couldn't write fast enough. I wrote every story down in hopes that someday I would discover answers to why things happened. I remember being out of town for orchestra rehearsals and a concert so, when I wasn't in rehearsal, I was writing. By the concert, I'd hand written nearly 50 pages of stories.

I questioned my behavior. I questioned my husband's behavior. I felt like I was going crazy. Nothing made sense any more. Even after reading books on verbal abuse, I was more confused than before. I wanted to read stories of those who suffered through verbal and emotional abuse. I wanted to see if they were able to heal and what that healing process involved. Where I was at that time, I didn't see a way out. I wanted there to be hope for a good ending.

By the time of the divorce, I had compiled story after story knowing that the book I'd planned to write was going to be about surviving an abusive marriage. Because of my own questions, I wanted others to learn from my experiences. There is hope. It wasn't until eight years after the divorce that I actually published the book. Why that long? I needed time to heal.

As I say in the forward, if my story can help one person, then it was well worth the time to write it. The book is written in a format where I tell stories. I tell them as they happened and don't speculate on my husband's thoughts. The journal entries were very helpful because after an incident, I'd "journal," right down to the very words we each said. Since I thought I was going crazy, I detailed our conversations so when confronted later with "I didn't say that!," I could go back to the journal.

We each have a different process and time for healing. There's a reason we have support groups like A.A. When people realize they aren't alone, it validates what happened to them. Back to the purpose of my book... For someone who's been in a verbally, emotionally, or spiritually abusive marriage, reading MY story may help validate yours. It may help empower you to know what to do and how to do it. Education on a subject can be very freeing, enlightening, and healing. It's when you finally realize that you aren't going crazy...

Garbage in.... Garbage out?

2011-12-09T12:54:00.001-08:00

With the onset of a new academic semester, much has changed since my last blog post. A busy life makes it a challenge to post more often. I've updated my web site www.freefromverbalabuse.net and now to the blog...

As we come into the holiday season, I'm reminded of how we all make an extra effort to be kind and thoughtful towards one another. It seems that our world is getting more abusive by the day. Why? We aren't "learning" how to be respectful and kind towards one another. Instead, we watch and see abuse of all kinds on TV, in movies, in our homes, at school, at work, and in our communities.
We model what we are around. When you're a child and see nothing but people demonstrating physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse all around you, that becomes the paradigm for learning how to behave. How many times recently have you seen news where someone was murdered and it's found later that the murderer listened to a certain musical group that promotes violence or watched a TV show depicting violence? This is a perfect example of how we "model" what we see.

My dad used to say "garbage in... garbage out" when he saw us watching questionable shows on TV, or hanging around people who did nothing but complain or were physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. His whole point was that what becomes our focus eventually makes us who we are.

We are now into another election year. Before you know it, we'll be seeing ads where the focus is to discredit another candidate. To put it bluntly, that is verbal abuse. And... we've become accustomed to it. We are so desensitized to verbal abuse on TV that we hardly recognize it any longer. Can't we find a more positive method of promoting a candidate's platform?
I challenge all of us to let our politician's know that verbal abuse of any kind is unacceptable. This includes looking for all the "dirt" on another candidate or saying how poor another candidate's record is. The facts can be pointed out without discrediting people. Allow the public to make up their minds based on the facts, not because of negative advertising.

The responsibility starts with us and what we watch or pay attention to. As the TV networks all say... it's all about the ratings... If you refuse to watch something, the ratings go down. Let's turn the joy of the holiday season into a lifestyle.

New article... "Is Abuse Grounds for Divorce?"

2011-01-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

I've just posted a new article concerning divorce. In a Christian marriage, does an abusive spouse make it "legal" for a woman to divorce her husband? This is a good but tough question. No matter what anyone says, a woman will need to ultimately make that decision herself. In many abuse cases, you're not only talking about the question of divorce itself; there's also the issue of safety for the entire family. There are several sections to this article to aid in discovering what God says about how His people are supposed to live and what happens when they don't. Many scriptures are included for further study and pondering. In addition, there are other articles on the "Christian Perspective" tab of my web site www.freefromverbalabuse.net/christianperspective.html. All articles are listed on the LEFT tabs under "Articles."

Happy Reading!

Book by Dr. Marie M. Fortune on abuse

2011-01-16T14:31:00.000-08:00

For several years, I've been collecting various materials on abuse as it relates to marital situations. As I hear about good sites and read books that are helpful, I post them on my site and blog. If you have experiences with any of the books or organizations that I list, please feel free to add your own comments and stories.

Dr. Marie M. Fortune has a web site devoted to abuse in Christian homes. She's a pastor, so her insight for abused women is highly valuable. Her web site http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/ is a great resource for those desiring more information on abuse as it relates to the Christian woman. Her book Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse was published in 1987 by HarperCollings Publishers. If you wish to speak with someone at her organization, the phone number for the Faith Trust Institute in Washington State is 206-634-1903. If you live in the east coast, the number in their Durham, NC office is 919-956-2000.

In reading the book listed above, you will notice that many scriptures are used. I think it's important when looking at abuse in Christian marriages, that the following scripture is a great place to start: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and that temple you are." (1 Cor. 3:16-17 RSV)

When first reading this scripture, it hit home that since we are ALL the "temple" of the Holy Spirit, NO ONE has the right to "defile" (or play mind games, or demean, or belittle, or hit, etc.) that temple. When a person abuses you (verbally or physically), they are abusing God's temple. I wonder how many Christian men that are abusers ever think of this? They take many scriptures that appear to give them the right to do anything to their wives as a means to "demand" from them. The sad part about all of this is... men forget that they are to "love their wives as Christ loved the church." Love doesn't demand. Dr. Fortune so well explains in her book that there are actually more scriptures on how the man is to love his wife than there is on the wife submitting to the husband. How does "Christ love the church?" Well, I know this for sure; it's not through demanding or abuse of any kind.

So, if you're a Christian woman who's still struggling with leaving because you believe divorce is sin, think about the above scripture. Then, re-read the scriptures on marriage and see for yourself that God gives very specific instructions for a man on how to treat his wife. When he doesn't follow these scriptures as God directs, he's not only in sin but he has also broken the marriage covenant. Read Dr. Fortune's book and others that present a scriptural case for you leaving your abuser. God WILL take care of you. It may not seem like it but it often requires a step of faith on our part.

Blessings to all of you as we begin 2011!

Is there really such a thing as "verbal abuse?"

2010-10-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

This may seem like an odd question, but you would be surprised how often I get asked this. What's the difference between a "mean" person and one who's verbally or emotionally abusive?

I think in order to understand this a little more, it's important to look at the definition of verbal abuse. According to the web site http://www.uslegal.com/, the legal definition of verbal abuse is "the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication. Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage." (1)

We have ALL been in environments where people are verbally and even emotionally abusive. According to the web site devoted to humane treatment of children http://www.americanhumane.org/, "While the definition of emotional abuse is often complex and imprecise, professionals agree that, for most parents, occasional negative attitudes or actions are not considered emotional abuse. Even the best of parents have occasions when they have momentarily 'lost control' and said hurtful things to their children, failed to give them the attention they wanted or unintentionally scared them." (2) To author James Garbarino, an expert on emotional abuse, it's the chronic and persistent actions of a parent or caregiver that will "erode or corrode" a child. Garbarino says these kinds of words and actions are the most harmful. The same would be true in any relationship, where one person does to another as Garbarino explains.

It would appear that there are enough case studies to "show" that we live in a world today where people don't know how to treat each other. This often turns to verbal and emotional abuse because it becomes consistent and persistent behavior. As I state in an article on my web site, we live with verbal and emotional abuse all around us. Most sit-coms are filled with verbally abusive statements. What's said in a joking manner is often abusive because it demeans a person. My belief is that we have become so desensitized to verbally abusive comments and actions, that we no longer recognize it as abuse. At this time, it's very prominent in political ads. It would be nice to simply hear a candidate tout their own accomplishments rather than feeling that they must "dig up the dirt" on the opposing candidate. It's to the point where turning on the TV or radio is annoying.

I encourage those who want to learn more to research on your own. If you truly want to know the truth, you'll find it. Additional resources and comments are encouraged. Post your thoughts. What do YOU think?

References:

1. http://definitions.uslegal.com/v/verbal-abuse/

2. http://www.americanhumane.org/about-us/newsroom/fact-sheets/emotional-abuse.html

What's the difference between an abuser and someone with abusive behavior?

2010-10-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

You would probably not be surprised to hear that I get this question a lot. With so many comments recently that are leading in this direction, it's probably time to explore this question.

Let the exploration begin... Get your shovels ready... Make sure the ax is poised to chop at those paradigms that need shifting...

After checking out the typical actions of an abusive person (see my website www.freefromverbalabuse.net/abusedefinitions.html for a complete list of abusive behaviors), one can begin to determine what an abuser is. There are lots of mean people out there that would not be classified as abusers. Why not? There are several reasons for this. One of those being that we can all be mean and disrespectful at times. In order to label someone as abusive (aside from someone who is physically abusive), you must look at that person's character. Character is how a person behaves all the time. Character shows through everything, including words. It has always been said that actions speak louder than words. Why do you think this is? My guess is that words are easy. Character is hard.

As with learning to do anything, character building takes time and patience. The easiest analogy is to look at what it takes to become a great musician. Years in the practice room provide the basis for what all musicians need to do in order to become an artist. Building character is no different. It's the consistency of "behaving in a desired manner" that cements those desired traits. Those cemented traits eventually become part of a persons character.

The mind has to want it...
The emotions and desire have to line up with the mind...
We then have to walk it out for quite some time... (practice makes perfect)
Don't forget the mistakes that will happen along the way... (Don't be discouraged, you'll make lots of mistakes)
When the consistency begins to shine through the mistakes, the cement has set. The foundation for character building is well under way.
The mind, will, and emotions are then able to "set in" the desired character trait.

So, how does character building have anything to do with abusers? An abusive person will show the abuse through their character. People who can be mean may exhibit some forms of abuse but that doesn't make them an abuser. That's why it's important to know the difference between an abuser and "abusive behavior." As I say on my web site, everyone demonstrates abusive behaviors. We all let our mouths run rampant at times. When we do that, we often engage in abusive behavior. What can come out of our mouths when we're upset with others is often not pretty sight. (Go ahead... think of a situation...)

An abuser is consistently engaging in abusive behaviors. Those behaviors are part of the abusers character. We have to be careful not to label people as abusers when they may not be. We have all learned how to push people's "buttons." Because we are all people, we often respond in a manner that we later regret. When our "buttons" are pushed, we can react with any of the abusive behaviors that we classify as abusive (choose one off the list and we've probably all done it).

The point with this article is to try and set apart an abusive person from one who engages in abusive behavior. We've all had bosses, friends, or family members that are mean, unfriendly, non-conforming, and only want things done their way. This doesn't mean that person is an abuser. So what is really going on?

That, my friends, is what we will explore via comments on this blog. My comments up to this point are to get you thinking about who really is an abuser? Hopefully, this introduction will get you thinking. Together, we can discover the answer. As I continue to research, there will eventually be an article posted on the web site about this very topic.

I look forward to hearing from you...